The Alternative Medicine Blog

Relationships: Family of Choice

Sixth grade was excruciating for me. I was raised in a family, as most of us were, without having a lot of choice about those relationships. People were just there to connect to or not. School wasn’t that much different. The only thing that mattered was geography and because I lived in a certain place, I went to a predetermined school. Because we moved when I was in second grade, the kids I went to school with all had previous relationships with each other and I struggled to find a place I belonged. That only worsened as I got older. And by the time I got into sixth grade I wanted more than anything to just disappear or even to be hit through no fault of my own by a runaway train – which would be quite a feat in Fruitport!   

I was desperate for community. My mom would listen to me cry when I got home. I always seemed to have one friend or another through the year with whom I could talk on the phone at night. But those individual contacts, as helpful as they were, did not answer my growing need. Even getting my first real boyfriend didn’t satisfy this longing.

Relationships: Significant Other

I have a letter to read to you. Not a real letter from one identifiable person to another, but a composite letter of the possible movement in a significant other relationship. But first I want to explain the use of that term.

Because we’ve been talking about family of origin, you might have expected us to use the traditional association of a couple within a marriage – a husband and a wife. But there is no requirement that you marry your significant other. In fact, our gay and lesbian friends don’t even have that option. More and more people are finding alternative ways to shape their relationship with that one special person in their life.

Relationships: Parent/Child

As this series on relationships has unfolded, my best friend John G., felt moved to reflect on the Parent/Child relationship. What emerged from him was a stunning piece of art that I am delighted to share with you...

It’s all about dinner. At least that’s what some of the research says. It really just supports what we kind of already know. Studies show that children in families who eat dinner together are less likely to do drugs, smoke, have eating disorders or become depressed. And they read better, get better grades and are even less likely to end up in the hospital for asthma! It sure worked for me. My parents were pretty obsessive really about the family always eating dinner together. So in High School when I was involved in sports and would get home pretty late, everyone would still be waiting until I got home to sit down to the dinner my Mom had prepared. And then it would start. Almost always my Father and I would go at it. I can look back on it now and bring some compassion to my memories of those dinner table “discussions”. I know my Dad had been pretty disconnected from his Father and I’m sure he connected with me the best way he could. I know he loved – and loves – me; and he has many great personal qualities. Lots of people like him. And I like him too. But those dinner table discussions were so hard on me. I would feel like virtually every night he would bait me into talking about some topic and then he’d disagree with me and off we’d go into the latest argument. And it always just felt bad. I mean I wanted to “win” the argument but I never felt like I did. And then at some point my Mother would get angry and say how we were dominating the dinner table and excluding her and my sisters – and of course she was right. And of course I vowed I would never do anything like what my Dad did to me to my sons – and of course, in many and various ways, I did exactly what I didn’t want to do – because, of course, my Dad lives inside of me.

Relationships: Siblings

by Barbara Zielinski

Doggone it. Here I am a grown woman with kids of my own. I’ve done all the pastoral care classes and studied the basics of counseling. I’ve identified all the scripts and bad agreements I was raised with. I’ve met with all of my family members and done the hard work of revealing, understanding, and forgiving. I have made peace with my past!

So today I have real issues – raising teenagers, working out relationships, finding time for solitude, dealing with my shadow, trying to build a safe faith community. So why am I in therapy just a couple of days ago – talking about my father?!

Friendship

by Barbara Zielinski

Teresa and I worked together at the urgent care center I used to manage. She ran the workman’s comp side of the program. We worked well together, respected each other, trusted each other, liked each other. In our series on relationships, we spent last week looking at workplace relationships. This week we explore friendship. Teresa and I, workplace partners, became, as it were, friends.

One day while at work I received a nightmare phone call. It ushered in for me the absolute worst crisis of my entire life.

Workplace Relationships

by Barbara Zielinski

As we continue our story of Joseph we find that after having been ill-treated by his brothers, Joseph manages to land a really cushy job! Unfortunately, it doesn’t last. Joseph’s problem isn’t with his work or his boss. It doesn’t sound as if he had any trouble with his co-workers or his subordinates. But he does manage to annoy the boss’s wife. So much so that she not only gets him fired, but thrown in jail.

Now many of us have had some really bad work experiences, but I doubt if any of us can top this little nightmare!

Last week we began our series on relationships. In the process we defined an intimate relationship as one in which you let me be who I am and I let you be who you are. Tonight we get a little more specific as we look at workplace relationships.

Relationships and Intimacy

by Barbara Zielinski

Here’s some advice. Whenever you feel like you’re in the middle of some really dysfunctional relationships, read a little bit of the Bible. This book is chock full of some of the most incredible, terrifying and laughable stories in the entire world of literature. One of those stories that includes all three of those elements is that of Joseph. So over the next several weeks as we will use the story of Joseph as our scriptural accompaniment as we explore the many dimensions of relationships. As the story begins, Joseph is his father's favorite. Dad even buys him a special multicolored coat! And he's having dreams that are really ticking his brothers off. In fact they get so ticked off that they sell him into slavery and tell their dad he's been devoured by a ferocious beast!

The Four Agreements: Do Your Best

For the last two weeks we have been looking at the four agreements proposed by Miguel Ruiz in his book of the same name. We began by exploring the way in which we are taught about the world by well meaning people who nonetheless pass on to us lies that tend to make us unable and unwilling to see our own perfection. As a result, we spend a lot of time unnecessarily judging ourselves, blaming ourselves and beating ourselves up. Ultimately this means we spend a lot of time living in hell.

The Four Agreements: Don't Assume It's Personal

Last week we began our series on the four agreements by looking at the lies we have believed about others and mostly about ourselves. Lies that make us create an image of our self that we can never live up to. Lies that make us judge ourselves and blame ourselves and reject ourselves. And we embraced the fact that we don’t need to believe those lies any more. We can trade in all the agreements that keep us in hell and begin living in heaven today.

The Four Agreements: Exposing the Lie

In Luke we read Jesus’ parable of the rich man and Lazarus. The rich man refuses to meet the needs or even acknowledge the poor man Lazarus. Eventually they both die and the rich man ends up in Hades while Lazarus sits beside Abraham in paradise.